What does Autism look like to you?

I have written this post 100 times over in my head... but never quite could put my thoughts down to post it.

So for those who have been following along, I have posted about my daughter Callie needing glasses and us not knowing and her missing most of prep.

We got the glasses sorted earlier this year and we started some intensive work on catching Callie up to grade level. Between speech therapy for comprehension and tutoring and extra support at school Callie made a lot of ground!

She did pretty much the whole of prep and half of grade one in 3 terms!

Throughout this whole journey we somehow stumbled across Callie having sensory issues.

Now for anyone that knows anything about sensory processing you will know that children that have sensory issues can either need a lot of sensory information to process things or can only handle a small amount to process things. Too much or not enough can affect the way they learn and process information. Children who struggle with sensory processing issues can be over stimulated which can  cause a sensory overload which can come out in a number of different ways. Behaviour and withdrawing among other things.

Callie is a sensory seeker, she needs a lot of sensory input to process things. She is a visual learner, so I have learned!

She loves swinging, rocking, fast moving, getting thrown in the air, jumping - she seeks these actions and activities.

Callie's teacher suggested that we see an OT and speech therapist to rule out any learning difficulties or delays so we knew exactly what we were working with and could work with her accordingly.

Whilst we were at her first OT appointment our lovely OT had a little chat to me about Callie and asked me questions about her early child hood development, behaviour etc. She also gave me a sensory profile to fill out on Callie. I filled the form out honestly and handed it back to the OT.

During all of this I had spoken to a lovely friend who's daughter had just been diagnosed as high functioning ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) formerly known as Asperger Disorder or Asperger Syndrome. (They have done away with the Asperger's diagnosis and children that are high functioning are just referred to as High Functioning ASD). Whilst we were chatting I brought up some of Callie's sensory quirks and we had a little chat. She messaged through a link to me to have a read over.

https://taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/06/22/first-signs-of-asperger-syndrome-in-young-girls-pre-school/

I clicked on to the link and started to read through, not thinking much of anything. The more I read the more I realised that this list was pretty much a check list of Callie. Her behaviours, traits and mannerisms over her 6 years of life.

After reading this I received my report from the OT. Stating that Callie was high sensory seeking and she recommended I see a Paediatrician and get Callie to do a WISC test through a Psychologist to test her Cognitive ability. Callie's fine and gross motor skills were completely fine.

So we did just that! My speechie and OT both did up reports, I did up my own report of sorts, detailing child hood behaviours, traits and mannerisms of Miss Callie.

The Paediatrician was very gentle with me, telling me it looked like Callie was HF ASD and that he just wanted Callie to see a Psychologist to do a WISC test (basically an IQ test) and ADOS assessment (used to give a diagnosis) to rule out any learning disabilities and to have Callie assessed to see if she was in fact on the spectrum.

This all happened over the space of 3 months! It was a lot for me to take in and process, I cried a few times. I was a bit of an emotional wreck for a couple months. Although I was the one who suspected originally that Callie may be on the spectrum it's still very confronting when seeing a Psychologist and receiving a report stating your child presents as being Autistic.

The Psychologist was ammmmazing! The most loveliest lady you'll ever meet, she was amazing with Callie and she was amazing with me! Callie's report although confronting was also a relief. Her comprehension levels were average, but everything else was in the superior range. The Psychologist said we didn't need to worry about her intelligence as she was actually extremely intelligent!

I also felt another sense of relief... Relief that I now had answers and knew that we could now work with Callie to help her strengthen her weaknesses and help her tap in to her intelligence and find her strengths and talents.

On the 1st of November Callie was diagnosed as having Autism Spectrum Disorder. I received a letter stating exactly that. The Paediatrician said she was high functioning and assured me she would get through life just fine. He also said a diagnosis just helps make those around her aware that somethings are a little more challenging and some of her behaviours and traits are just part of what makes her, her.

I've heard a few people talk about labels... "You don't want your child to have a label do you?"

There is this massive stigma about giving your child a label, like it's a disadvantage or that it's going to ruin their lives.

Here are my thoughts on having a label... It is a blessing in disguise! Is it confronting to begin with? Hell yes it is, it's scary, you go through all these thoughts about their future and how they're going to make it. How are you going to make it?

Then reality set in and I realised this... Callie is the same person she was the day before her diagnosis as she was the day after her diagnosis. The label changes nothing about the way Jared and I feel about her. The way her siblings treat her. Callie is still Callie, she will always be our Callie girl. ASD is part of her genetic make up. She didn't just wake up one day with Autism.

So why is a label a blessing in my opinion?
The school gets funding to help Callie with her learning, she has a specialised program set up just for her. We get to help make goals for her at school. The School has already set out one on one sessions with a teacher aide next year to work with Callie and help her to learn in a way that works for her. We get funding to pay for therapies to help Callie. This to me is a big ADVANTAGE! For anyone who has attended OT or speech therapy you will know how pricey these therapies can be. We also get a health care card for Callie which helps with medical expenses. A label to me is giving me answers to a lot of things that didn't quite make sense throughout Callie's life. I can educate myself to understand and help Callie with anything life might throw at her. I can work with her to help her with anxieties and struggles she has. We can work together to make things in life that can be challenging for her that little bit easier.

This isn't about me! This is about Callie and what Callie needs, a label means Callie gets the best help and advantages to help her through struggles she may have.

So what exactly is it that Callie struggles with you might ask? Hang in there, I am getting to that!

Girls on the spectrum are often referred to as Chameleons, they are amazing at observing and mimicking to fit in. They often fly under the radar as they are generally very quiet and well behaved at school. They are very good at holding themselves together till they get to their safe place.

For Callie that is me! In the car, at home, wherever I am! I am her safe place, I always have been, since she was a little child. Her whole first year at Kindy she would explode the second she got in the car. Screaming, kicking, crying, she was inconsolable most afternoons. At the time I was at a loss as to why she was so angry and emotional when the Kindy staff said she was so well behaved all day. It just didn't make sense to me as to why she would act this way when I picked her up. In hindsight I now realise she was keeping herself together whilst at Kindy being social and participating and doing as she was supposed to. This has followed through till present day although instead of everyday after school it might be once a week or once a fortnight. The Psychologist told me these meltdowns are her way of releasing the sensory overloads from school and the classroom etc.

The statistics for children on the spectrum is nearly 5 boys to 1 girl. Although through the research I have done and the information I have read there is more girls that are on the spectrum but just never get a diagnosis due to girls presenting so differently to boys and traits being written of as behavioural issues.

A few people I have spoken to since her diagnosis were very surprised when I mentioned she had been diagnosed.

If you were to meet Callie her outward appearance comes across very "normal" she holds eye contact, has beautiful manners, can speak very well and is social. She is extremely affectionate and is very cuddly. Fiercely loyal and protective of her siblings. Is very empathetic and caring. She has an amazing imagination and thinks very deeply. She loves to tell jokes and play tricks. She loves her baby brother and cares for him like nothing I have ever seen. <3

If you know Callie well or have spent  a lot of time with her.. you would know she is very strong willed, takes things very literally. Does not do well with change, suffers from separation anxiety. Does not always do well with large social groups and will often remove herself to do something quietly by herself. When she plays with others it's generally alongside them not with them. She makes elaborate set ups but doesn't always actually "play". She has a very low pain threshold and gets very worked up when she sees blood. She suffers from anxiety but doesn't always know how to express it, this often results in meltdowns. When she has had enough socialising she'll quite often tell people to go away or just ignore them (we're working on this!) She likes to have one best friend and finds it hard to juggle friends. She is a collector, she has an extensive rock collection and has been collecting rocks since she was 18 months old. She loves to line things up, colour coordinate objects, arrange in height order. Stack and unstack - lot's of repetitive play. She gets very interested in certain topics and has an amazing memory with things she is interested in. In the class room she says that all the noise makes her brain feel fuzzy. She told me just recently that sometimes people get in her bubble and she just needs space. The older she gets the more she realises these little things about herself.

Since starting this journey I have realised there is no way near enough information about girls on the spectrum! There needs to be more awareness raised so that little girls on the spectrum aren't left in the dark and struggle through life never quite fitting in or feeling misunderstood.

Something that I found so remarkable throughout this was that Callie's favourite colour is blue, she wants everything to be blue. Autism awareness days at school were her favourite as she could wear blue. It's almost like she was in tune with what was going on the whole time! <3

What does Autism look like to you? Do you need to change your perspective?

Moments..

Why do women spend countless hours reading other mums blogs. Following and sharing them on Facebook?

We want to know we're not alone. To feel validated. We want to know that there's others out there who get it. Who have gone through or are going through something similar.

We want to feel that it's ok to think your childs a turd sometimes.

That your husband can be a jerk.

That you feel like you're the worst mum/wife in the world sometimes.

That sometimes being a woman sucks.

That sometimes we just feel like everything's too much.

We just want to feel like we're not in it alone.

We want to know we relate to others out there that we're not ungrateful spoilt brats.

That we're not crazy!

We're just normal women feeling normal feelings and emotions.

And it's ok to not be 100% together all the time.

Because NOBODY is!

This afternoon I had a little pity party.

I was over feeling like I do the same things day in and day out.

That washing, cleaning, caring for children doesn't ever end.

Jared brought me back down to reality... I dumped a basket of clothes over his head.

Whilst I was cleaning up the pile of clothes, Jared gently reminded me that...

This is my life at the moment! The season I'm in is nurturing, caring, selflessness. I'm caring for four children 6 years and under. I don't always get a lot of time for myself. If the baby is up sick during the night then I'm up during the night... there will be sleepless nights, tantrums, talking back, kids fighting, messes to be cleaned.

He's good at bringing me back to reality!

But with all of the above mentioned, there will also be hugs and kisses to receive. Hugs and kisses to give. Laughs to be had, tears to wipe. Boo boos to be kissed. LOVE to give. LOVE to receive. Moments that will forever be imprinted in my heart.

Life will be repetitive for a little bit... because that is the role I took on when I decided to be a Mum.

Is it sunshine and roses all the time? Hell no!

Is it worthwile and fulfilling? Hell yes!

Just sometimes we get lost in the monotonoy of day to day that we forget to stop and smell the roses and appreciate what we have here and now!

Sometimes we just need someone to bring us back to reality.

I was scrolling through Facebook and I came across a post shared by a friend.

I needed this tonight!

I immediately gave myself a virtual slap round the face... told myself to get over it and refocus my attention.

I'm living the glory years! These years I will NEVER get back!

Charlie will never be four months old again, sick and only wanting to sleep in my arms. But looking at me and smiling with love in his eyes, even though he is feeling miserable.

Lucie Will never be 3 years old again asking for crunchy nut breakfast cereal at 4pm in the afternoon and arguing with her Dad that it isn't breakfast cereal because it doesn't have holes in it like fruit loops. Or throwing her arms around Jared and myself during prayers and telling us were her best friends.

Frankie will never be 4 years old again and telling me he is going to marry Callie because she's his best girl.

Callie will never be 6 again and calling me "my lady" whenever she talks to me with that little twinkle in her eye.

I'll never have these years again to live over.

It's ok to have moments of wishing you had a moment to yourself.

But take a look around and make sure you're not missing a moment you will never get back. ❤

I owned the day!

I saw a post getting around FB earlier this year, pretty sure I even re-shared it as I thought it was pretty funny! It said something along the lines of...

Some days we rock at this Mum thing some days we just wish we didn't have kids!

I woke up today and thought to myself... I am going to own this day! And I did!

Yesterday was the first day of holidays so I revelled in the 9:23am sleep in and moseyed through the day. Went and did groceries with four children... as I forgot to do click and collect! That was super fun! It was a good lazy day, everything was still done, but I didn't really do anything above the ordinary. You know, the beds got made, everyone was fed, probably yelled a few too many times, left overs for dinner and kids went to bed late...

So today I set out to conquer the day! I did still really enjoy my 9am sleep in! Minus Frankie coming in twice and waking me from my snoozing to tell me he wanted me to put the big Gorilla TV show on... He must of found something else to do as he stopped asking.

Anyway, so Charlie, Lucie and I emerge from my bed at 9am. We all have breaky, I make all the beds, strip the sheets off my bed. Dry and fold 2 loads of washing, Charlie has a nap.

Make all the kids lunch and feed them before leaving at 12pm with Callie and Charlie (thanks Mema for looking after the other two munchkins). The two C's and I head off to the doctor's for Callie's health assessment to set up a health care plan. A health care plan for those who don't know is basically a care plan with 5 discounted sessions for an OT or speechie or both. So we finish off there and leave with our health care plan. I'm smiling as ultimately this will be super helpful to Callie girl and will help ease the pinch on our wallets. OT and Speech isn't cheap!

We do a quick stop at the shops for face wash... I only forgot it 4 times the week before! So that is a win in my books!

Drop off some Scentsy orders, fill up the car with fuel for our trip to Mackay tomorrow. (You're welcome Jared).

We get home at 2:30pm, between 2:30pm and 8pm I...

Dry and fold another load of washing, Callie has her tutoring session. Talk to one of my teamies about her upcoming first Scentsy party tonight (Hey Jewelz). Make a Lasagne, yell at the kids a couple times for making it rain Shopkins... (those little buggers are everywhere)!

There was a slight moment of chaos and one of my lovely customers popped over at that exact moment to pick up some Scentsy! I'll paint the picture of that moment she was greeted with on arrival at my front door... Charlie on his play mat crying for bath and bed. The lounge room trashed from master builder Franks, blocks as far as the eye can see. Callie and Frankie fighting over something, Lucie sprawled out on the couch watching YouTube on my phone. The Thermo beeping at me cause my béchamel sauce was ready. TV on in the background...

Those moments of chaos make it even more rewarding when you are on the edge of going "ahhh crap" and "OK I've got this!"

I totally had it tonight! Turbo Cassie came out right then and there.

Firstly I popped the Lasagne in the oven blitzed over the kitchen with a wipe, packed the dishwasher in record time. Put the kids dinner on the table, scooped up Charlie and bathed him and put him in his Jammies. It was then I remembered I hadn't re made the bed, as Charlie still sleeps in our room in the bassinet I knew that had to happen before I put him to bed.

Made our king size bed by myself! This is a feat on it's own!! The mattress is so big and bulky but that fitted sheet was smoother then a babies bottom when I was finished with it.

Fed Charlie and put him off to bed. The kids had finished dinner by this time so, bathed and jammied them up. Franks was a little champ and cleaned up his master mess.
Ate my dinner while it was hot! All of this before 7pm!

Then I put all three children to bed by 8pm!

Called Jared just to make sure he hadn't got lost... (he's helping his brother finish a job, so he's exempt this time.)

While I was showering after they were all asleep. I had a moment to reflect on everything I had managed to accomplish today. I gave myself a pat on the back and thought to myself...

You totally rocked the socks off today Cas!

This journey of motherhood...

So I find blogging really therapeutic, it helps me to process what's going on in my head and I also really enjoy writing and sharing. I have never been a super secretive person, I will tell you what's going on in my life if you ask. My close friends and family will tell you that... However on Facebook you obviously won't see what you would read here on my blog.

I feel like I can let it out and be real.

This year has been a really confronting year for me as a Mum, I have had a lot of changes and the picture I had painted for myself of how life with my children would be didn't go exactly to plan.

I have learnt a lot this year. I feel like I have grown up a lot! Maybe it was having my fourth baby? I feel like I have accepted everything it is to be Mum. The good the bad the ugly, this is my season of putting my babes before myself. My time will come, but for now there are other things happening with my children that I need to show up and be fully present. These are the important years, I will never have this time again so I need to make it worthwhile and be the best version of me. The best mum I can be. I am a role model in my children's lives and I've taken ownership of that. (This is not to say I don't need to take time for myself. That is so important! I need to look after me, so I can look after them, which I do).

So this year I guess you could say I was confronted with a few changes that took me a little while to get my head around.

I had a fourth child.

The pregnancy was pretty good, minus the 15 weeks of nausea and vomiting last year. Me wishing I could just curl up into a ball on the couch and everything would get done and someone would just be me for a bit. Just till I could function normally again!

The labour was amazing, Charlie was really easy on me and I felt like I bounced back to feeling normal fairly quickly. (I left hospital 5 hours after he was born!)

Now I don't think I have ever suffered from post natal depression as such. But I definitely do get a bit of OCD before bub arrives that tends to linger for a bit after bub comes along. The need to be organised, the need to have everything at home done so that I feel like I am winning.

Poor Jared probably got sick of me asking him if I was doing a good job? Everyone was telling me a I was a supermum and I felt like I had everything under control but I needed that reasuurance from Jared that I was in fact "winning" at this Mum of four kids thing. I needed to feel like I was rocking this mum gig!

The raging hormones that linger in your body from pregnancy and into breastfeeding really don't help! Then there's the post partum body you have to get used to. I try my hardest to go easy on myself and love my body for the amazing work it's done. But honestly I struggle! I really struggle with that post partum Mum bod! Call me vain or shallow or just real, but if I am to be 100% honest with myself and you I really struggle with the changes that pregnancy has on my body.

I love that my body has grown and carried four amazing little humans. It's such a miracle. I grew four little humans!!! Like it completely blows my mind when I really think about it, but the effect that it has on my body is hard for me to process and accept. I think the more children I have had I have cut myself a little more slack but it still does get to me.

Charlie minutes old - 06/06/2016

Let's back track before that little cherub of a boy entered my world...




So back in February I found out that Lucie needed glasses as her eye was turning in, I thought I had seen her eye start to turn but it didn't always happen and I didn't know if it was just because her eyes were so blue and the way she focused. Anyway, a couple of other people noticed it so I took her to the optometrist to get checked out. We were referred to a specialist (Ophthalmologist) as her eye was in fact turning in and she was given a prescription for glasses. The Ophthalmologist informed me she'd most likely need glasses till she was a teenager. It was all a bit of a blur, me trying to bribe her to stay still for the specialist and let him look in her eyes and trying to take everything in that they were saying. I didn't fully process exactly what this all meant.

We returned back to Emerald with our script and headed off to Spec-savers to choose some cute little glasses! It was all a little bit exciting. Lucie picked some cute little Disney princess themed glasses and her order was processed and we waited for them to arrive.

When they arrived, we went to pick them up, came home and she put them on! She looked so stinking cute! I took a couple of photos for family to see and uploaded them onto Facebook. The amount of people that commented and liked her photo and said how cute she looked was over whelming, in a good way! I think I really needed that. When I looked at her that night sitting on the couch, with her cute little glasses on, sucking her thumb and twirling her hair. I felt a sudden feeling of loss and tears came to my eyes. I felt a loss for her that she would have to wear glasses from now on, for the foreseeable future. I almost feel like I grieved a little for her, she rocked the heck out of them, but she had to wear them from now on! Then my mind started to wander... Did I do something wrong in pregnancy, is this somehow my fault?! Should I have seen a specialist sooner? Jared and I don't have any sight problems...  I didn't feel like I was winning...

Ultimately we did the right thing and I will never know if it has anything to do with anything I did. But the choice was out of our hands. This is what needed to happen to help her eye. If she didn't wear them, her eye would continue to turn in as her eye muscle was not strong enough.

Miss Lucie rocking her specs!

You don't realise what comes with a small child wearing glasses, they look so cute. But they are actually a bit of work. The constant cleaning, like 10 times a day!! Little children are messy! They get all sorts of stuff all over the lenses. When children cry with glasses on, tears dry on the glass and it's near impossible to see out of them. They throw them when they are angry, or sad, or mad. They take them off from time to time and then you're searching everywhere for them as said child doesn't remember where they are. (I am currently still trying to find a pair she's put somewhere) They get pushed into the inner part of the eye when they fall over or are pushed or rough housing. (Lucie always has little red marks in that area) They get scratched! Sometimes they just don't want to wear them. Lucie has been an absolute trooper and she now knows how much they help her and will wake up in the morning and put them on herself. But it has still been something we have had to adjust to.

I have said in an earlier posting that Lucie needing glasses was a blessing in disguise. Because of her troubles I had the other children's eyes tested and found out that Callie needed glasses, she has quite a strong prescription. She has learning difficulties and has made a lot of progress since she's had her glasses.

However needing glasses was not the only cause for her learning difficulties, so we have found out in the process of elimination. We have been seeing an OT and a speech therapist in order to help bridge the gap in the way that Callie processes things. The school has been amazing and I can not fault the support they have given her. Her teacher and teacher aide have implemented everything that has been suggested to help her and together we have made progress. We are still on the road to gathering all the information we need to best help her in the way she needs help. And to find out the way she processes information so we can work with her on her level.

My Callie girl.

Like I said earlier, when I first thought of how my life would look with children, I didn't have any of these little things in my painting.

I do however feel that I have grown as a mother and person for the better. I am doing everything in my power to figure out how to help Callie and that means I am "winning". Because really I am her biggest advocate and if I am not trying to do everything I can, who will? Lucie and Callie can both now see everything around them. This makes me happy! My babies can properly see this beautiful world we live in. I helped make that happen!

This journey of motherhood is full of speed bumps and hair pin corners that sometimes come out of nowhere and leave you with a flat or a leak. (Metaphorically of course, don't even get me started on boobs from feeding four children and sneezing after children).
The journey is unpredicatable, exhausting, draining, defeating at times...

But sooooo REWARDING, which makes it all so worthwhile!




Just in case you haven't been told in a while, from one Mum to another... YOU are "winning" at this mother thing!

#mumlife

You often see on social media #mumlife... what exactly does that mean?

To me #mumlife is a mixture of many different emotions, feelings and thoughts.

The one thing that stands out to me most when I think about being a mother is LOVE. I had never experienced a love like the love I have for my children.
It's the kind of love that fills every fibre of your body. The kind of love that keeps you up at night worrying about how they're going to get through in life. The kind of love that can make you tear up just thinking about how much you love those little souls who have blessed you with this label of Mum.
Being a mum is single handedly THE hardest thing I have ever done and THE best thing I have and will ever do. Being Mum is hard in all the good ways...

I've  had to learn to be selfless and put others before myself.
I've had to learn to be humble and admit when I am at fault.
I've  had to learn to be firm and follow through with warnings I have given, when it's much easier to just give in.
I've  had to learn to be forgiving and ask for forgiveness.
I've  had to learn to be patient, patience really is a virtue.
I've  had to learn to be tolerant and kind.

All the above traits I mentioned are a work in progress. They are traits that I sometimes fail at and sometimes exceed at.

I had to learn that although sometimes it feels like you lose a little bit of yourself in the depths of raising small children. You actually become a better version of yourself when you learn to forgive yourself of your short comings and accept the beautiful crazy mess that is #mumlife.

I like a lot of other mums, I'm sure had a vision of the kind of mother I wanted to be. A perception of what I thought #mumlife would be and the kind of mum I'd be... It's easy to have preconceived ideas about something until you actually are living it.

The reality is so much better then the idea of it was.

The raw emotions I've felt and experienced as a mother are beyond any idea I had of what I could feel.

The feeling you have when a newborn is placed on your chest for the first time is single handedly THE best experience I have and will ever have in this lifetime. I can remember each of my four childrens first minutes vividly. They are all unique and special in their own way.

When I found out I was pregnant with Frankie I went into a little bit of a panic, not knowing how I could possibly love anyone more then I loved Callie. How you love a boy compared to a girl? Would I love him as much? All these crazy ideas ran through my mind.
Towards the end of his pregnancy I just wanted him out, I was ready to love him and not be pregnant.
The minute he was placed on my chest, I felt like my heart had doubled in size. Loving him and his future siblings from the minute I met them was the esiest thing to do. The love just kept growing, it was actually easier to love the more children I had.

This #mumlife thing is full of so many emotions, feelings and thoughts. It's a long road of self discovery. I quite often feel like I'm failing and hope to goodness I'm not screwing my children up too bad on the way.

This #mumlife thing is the best thing I could have ever decided to do with my life, and it is just that! It's a life choice that I have made and I am extremely blessed and grateful that I get to do #mumlife with my four amazing, beautiful, incredible, precious and slightly crazy children!

It's a mans world..

**** Please keep in mind this blog post is meant to be comical and is based on a worst case scenario day in our house! My man is generally a pretty awesome, helpful guy!

Oh where do I even start!

I love my husband, like I really love that guy! He drives me insane but I love him to pieces!

Do you as a woman feel yourself saying... I NEED A BREAK!! Generally when you are just really having a bad day and you are just over it.

(Don't get me wrong, I do get breaks from time to time. But having a 3 month old breast feeding little bubba my free time has been limited lately.)

I've realised, I don't need a break, I just need to be a man for a little bit and I will feel good as new!

I am not saying Jared doesn't help me out, he does, majority of the time! But he sometimes lacks in consistency... and that's ok!

Lets just have a quick overview of my day in a nutshell... then we'll go over Jareds!

Cassie's weekday mornings: Get's up with my alarm at 7:15am or Charlie, whichever goes off first. Wakes up four children! This in itself can be a huge task. Charlie and Franks wake up happy every morning. Charlie is beaming the minute I look in his bassinet! Warms my heart and really I need it to prepare me for waking up the girls. If Callie and Lucie have had their required 12 hours sleep wake ups can be fairly pleasant. If these two little munchkins have not had their required 12 hours sleep... I would prefer not to wake them! If wake up time with Callie and Lucie doesn't start well the morning is normally pretty crap! Haha... true story!

It's then breakfast for four children. Boob for one, food for the other three. Generally cereal but can be a sandwich, yoghurt or fruit depending on how said children are feeling and I really can't be bothered picking fights that early in the morning. As long as they have food in their belly's before we leave the house I am happy!

We then get dressed for the day, this can take 5 minutes.. or 30 minutes. Again depending on the amount of sleep from the night before. Charlie is normally super quick, unless he pees during a nappy change! Seriously that kid has peed in his own face twice now! If he does give himself a morning shower then getting him dressed entails a bath first. Lucie is generally pretty happy to get dressed unless she is tired or Callie and Frankie have picked on her, then it takes a little longer. Franks is great, as long as the TV isn't on. Then I have to ask him about 50 times and turn the TV off so he can concentrate on the task at hand. Callie if in a good mood is quick. I normally help her get her tights on and she does the rest. If Callie is not in a good mood... well we generally have tears over her sock seam not lining up with her toes. Her undies not sitting properly, her hair clip digging into her, her shoes are suddenly too tight (funny, they fit fine yesterday and will tomorrow). Or she doesn't want to get dressed, cause school is stupid and why can't she stay home?!

So while the kids are eating breakfast and getting dressed, I run around like a mad woman... Making four beds, making three lunchboxes up, cleaning up after breakfast, putting away jammies. Dressing myself whilst helping the older three get dressed. Doing the girls hair, making sure their teeth are brushed. Breaking up any fights that may happen. Putting on a face and making myself look respectable whilst trying to keep an eye on the time to make sure we're not late.

8:20 comes, I ask everyone to get in the car. Children seem to have become deaf overnight... oh wait no they've always been deaf to my voice. I end up yelling... "Get in the bloody car!" Callie tells me off for swearing, the kids fight over who gets to get in the car first and everyone leaves their bags on the bench and expect the pack horse will get them.

I get in the car, start to reverse and realise I haven't eaten breaky and didn't feed the dog. So race back in to feed the dog and grab a banana on the way out.

Drop Frankie and Callie off and go about my day!

Jared's weekday morning: Wakes up, eats breakfast, sits on the toilet for half an hour. Get's dressed, comes in and kisses me goodbye. Off he goes to work.

Cassie's day: Can be anything from, two or three children in tow whilst doing groceries, cleaning, washing, Scentsy orders, play dates and appointments. Normally forget's to eat lunch or eats it around 2-3pm when tummy starts to growl.

Jared's day: What ever the boss asks and eating a hot meal prepared by yours truly for lunch.

Cassie's weekday after school/night time: Picks up the kids from school, comes home, more washing or folding. Meal prep, cooks dinner, fights with children to eat the dinner. Repeatedly tells children to eat their dinner, cleans up any spills or mess. Cleans up the kitchen, packs the dishwasher, runs the childrens bath, baths children, gets children in jammies and ready for bed. Makes sure childrens teeth are brushed. Mops up the bathroom after the bath and wipes down the bathroom as children seem to think it's great to splash water EVERYWHERE. If children aren't ready for bed before 7:30 then put's all four children to bed. Once children are asleep... Washing, folding, prepares for day ahead, packs Jared's lunch, has a little time to herself. Goes to bed at 11ish pm. Get's woken up anywhere between 3-5 times by four children for various reasons... Nightmares, wanting a feed, can't find their hairband, peed the bed... and nearly anything else you can think of!

Jared's weekday after school/night time: Comes home, plays on the computer, sometimes helps Callie with homework, sometimes plays games outside with the kids. Eats dinner, sometimes baths Charlie, sometimes helps Cassie with bathing kids. Is known from time to time to sit on the couch and play on ones phone whilst Cassie does all the above mentioned... if he is tired! Will put older two to sleep if they are ready for bed before 7:30pm. Goes to bed around 8pm. (Get's up really early, so don't blame the guy). Get's woken up once by a child getting in the bed, goes and sleeps soundly in one of the kids beds till morning.

When getting ready for a family outing... Cassie gets herself plus four children dressed and ready to go. Jared gets himself dressed, sit's on the toilet for half an hour then complains that Cassie takes so long to get ready and we are always late...

Seriously what is with men sitting on the toilet for so long?!

So what would happen if I decided to sit on the couch and play on my phone whenever I felt like it?

Hmmmm... nothing!

Haha in all honesty Jared can be great, amazing even! But the consistency is sometimes lacking... 

Now I could feel like I am a hard done by woman and hate on him etc... but this was the life I chose. I like a clean house, I like my washing up to date, I like to have a routine with four children as it's easier and the kids know what to expect. I know that all the above things need to be done on a daily basis so I do them. I choose to show up every morning and do what needs to be done, but sometimes it's fun to compare a "typical" mum's morning and night with a mans...

And... Everynow and then I would love to have a "Man's Day" or week... Whichever! I am not fussy.

Self worth of a Mother...

So I went to a Scentsy Family Reunion on the weekend, our annual conference where they celebrate achievements and give their consultants training and tips on how to better themselves and their business.

What has this got to do with self worth you might be thinking? A lot!

I have been to three of these conferences since I signed up with Scentsy in Nov 2013. Each year we have driven 12-24 hours to attend with kids in tow. This year of course we had Charlie with us, so we had four children on a 12 hour drive. I must admit the kids were pretty darn well behaved considering how long they were stuck in the car. Poor Charlie must have started to think he was never going to see me again. Everytime I got him out of his capsule he was grinning like a Cheshire cat and wouldn't feed properly as he just wanted to look at me and smile.

So back to self worth...

When I signed up with Scentsy I had a goal to make a couple hundred a month to pay for Callie's dancing fees and help out with the crazy ridiculous Kindy fees. Jared also asked that I please not send him broke. (duly noted)

So I signed up, never having seen the product or smelling anything and hoped to hell I could make a couple hundred dollars. As a lot of you know I did quite well with my little Scentsy business and went on to be top sales for Australia numerous times and earn three incentive trips. I have been working my business from home around the kids for the past nearly three years. I currently still hold the highest sales since Scentsy launched in Australia in 2013. Just shy of $200,000 worth of scented goodness sold in Emerald.

Now, I haven't worked a proper job since I was pregnant with Callie. I suffered horrible morning sickness with her and spent most days either with my head in the toilet bowl or laying on the couch crying... struggle was real! It's a wonder she has three siblings, I lived on fruit flavoured icypoles as they tasted the same going down as they did coming up! Being a mum was the only thing I wanted to do, since I can remember. I wanted to turn 18, find the love of my life and have babies.

I did pretty much that... I thought I was happy, that everything I ever wanted was right in my lap, and really why shouldn't I be happy? I had never really worked through some things from my teenage years and really didn't realise how low my self worth was. I find it interesting that a lot of the bubbly/confident people often suffer the worst from low self esteem. On the outside I would have come across every bit the positive/bubbly/confident person but it's a bit like the iceberg analogy... you can only see what sits on the surface.

So, on our trip to Scentsy reunion last year which was in Sydney. I had a lot of time, 24 hours in fact to talk with Jared and ponder on life and get all deep and meaningful. So as Jared and I were chatting it somehow came up about why I liked to receive recognition for my achievements with Scentsy and why it made me so happy? And why did we have to drive 24 hours for me to feel happy? I thought about it for a while and then started crying... this is a common occurance you are probably thinking if you have read my other posts. I realised that I needed this recognition to make me feel like I was worth something. I didn't feel like just being me, Cassie was really worth much. I felt I needed to be ahieving and being the best at something to feel worth while.

Being a stay at home mum can be draining, it's like groundhog day everyday! You don't really get any recognition or praise from anyone for being Mum, in fact quite the opposite. Kids think your cooking is gross, think you are mean if you discipline them, think you are mean if you don't let them have exactly what they want. Think you are mean when you send them to bed... basically they think you are mean and out to ruin their lives. Obviously not all the time, they can be super sweet and loving and it's definitely a rewarding job in other ways. But let's be real, you don't have someone standing behind you to pat you on the back when you are acing the mother gig.

So throughout my 3 Scentsy reunions I have learnt to accept and love myself a little more each time, it's a very uplifting weekend full of positive speakers. The most recent Scentsy reunion was probably the best one I have attended. I had a lovely time catching up and meeting new team members and just thoroughly enjoyed my weekend.
There was a defining moment for me at this reunion on our leadership training day. We had a guest speaker, she was a multi million dollar direct sales goddess. Had made her first million by the time she was 19 and retired at 37, living the dream right? So she spoke to us for around an hour and not once in that time frame did she mention anything about a husband or children. She told us the different steps we needed to put in place to make it in the direct sales company and the time we'd need to put in etc. I sat and listened, I was inspired but felt a little overwhelwed at the same time. I was wondering to myself how on earth I could have time with my children with all of this time and energy I needed to put into my business to become a millionaire?!

She left some time at the end of her presentation for questions. I raised my hand and asked if she had any children. She looked almost embarrassed, she had completely forgotten to talk about her two daughters, so gave us a brief summery of her life as a mum and wife. Of the hour she spoke to us, she only really gave her children and husband about five minutes. I followed on my question with another question, basically asking her if she scaled back her business when she had a new baby. I voiced my concern about regretting being present in my childrens lives and looking back in years to come and wishing I had spent more time on them. She did answer me, but completely missed my point and told me I should out source home duties to someone else as that was what she had done. Millionaire Cassie would love a house cleaner and someone to do my groceries... Realistic Cassie knows that is not in my budget at the moment.

I thought about my question for a while. In my quest to do well with Scentsy and to feel like I was worth something I had totally missed the beauty of what Scentsy allows me to have in my life. I may not be a millionaire, but I am present in my childrens lives, whenever they need me to be. No awards, achievements, money, incentive trips will ever replace missed time spent with my children.

My Scentsy achievements have allowed me to feel of worth and importance so that I can recognise the most important and worth while calling I have in life. Being a Mother! My reason for joining the company has completely changed, although we do need the extra money I make to pay bills and afford looking after four children. I have realised just how important my role as mother is!

I was nominated for the most prestigious award that Scentsy has on the weekend. I felt very humbled and honoured to have been nominated. Although I did not win the award, my little family was there to kiss and cuddle me and congratulate me for being nominated. In that moment when the winner was announced, Jared kissed me on the head and told me I was his shining star. I looked down at Charlie sleeping on my chest and my other three little ones cuddling around my legs and I realised, I am important, loved and worth while and I am the best mother these children will ever have or need!

That 12 hour drive with four children was worth it for me to realise the importance of my role, please don't ever think your roll as a mother is not important. <3

You and Me

You know those times when your husband dearest drives you absolutely crazy/psycho/mad! And you want to bottle them? (Plastic bottle of course) Or just run away to a paradise island where you have your own personal chef, butler and maid?!
You know what I am talking about? Yeah?! (Don't pretend you don't)
Well tonight was one those nights. So instead of giving him the silent treatment or acting like a crazy lady and ending up in a puddle of tears due to my crazy hormones that haven't fully settled down since I had Charlie. Who am I kidding, I'm just sensitive and end up either crying or blowing up which then leads to crying anyway. Instead I handed him a crying baby and turned his TV off. I did put said crying baby to sleep and he put the older two to bed so I decided I would forgive him and then why not blog about how we came to be?!

I thought about the title I wanted for my blog long and hard. I wanted something catchy and that summed up my life!

It is Jared and Me plus four and the more is what makes up the You and Me!
The good, the bad and the crazy times...
Really if your husband was absolutely perfect all the time you'd have nothing to complain about or whinge to your girlfriends about from time to time! What else would we talk about apart from our kids?! Haha

Seriously though I love Jared, like he is my world and I couldn't imagine life without him and I am not just saying that. But I wouldn't be human if he didn't annoy the absolute crap out of me at times.

It's funny how people like to tell you that you are too young to get married, that you are throwing your life away. I am sure some people thought we wouldn't last getting married young. We were kids after all, 19 years young. When I look at photo's of us dating, we, well Jared looks about 12. People always like to give you advice on marriage when you get engaged. Some of it helpful, others not so much. A bit like when you get pregnant and everyone feels the need to tell you all the gory details of labour etc... (They seem to always miss out the part about haemorrhoids - that's a whole other story)
The two things I always remember and try to apply to my marriage are:
1. Never go to sleep without making up.
2. Don't marry someone thinking you can change them, they are who they are. Love them for their strengths and weaknesses.

I met Jared when I was freshly 18. A young insecure, low self esteem 18 year old. I wasn't in a very good place in my life and he saved me. He was my knight in shining armour, rode in and scooped me up and made me feel loved, safe and semi-happy. Semi-happy doesn't sound that great, but I had a lot of work to do on myself. (whole other post)

The first time I laid eyes on him was in Brisbane where we were setting up for my brothers wedding, fun fact... My brother was marrying Jared's sister. (No we were not related) When I first saw Jared he was wearing a tight singlet top, with a ripped cap, up a ladder hanging up streamers. I just saw his arms! I got chatting to him and we hung out that night, the next day was the wedding and I followed him around like a dog chasing a bone. He played hard to get in front of his family, by the next day we were inseparable and he asked me to be his girlfriend! I was besotted.

Jared and I dated for six months,before we got engaged, or should I say before I made him propose to me! Haha. One and a half months of those six months were over the phone with me in Tasmania and him in Emerald. We spoke on the phone for hours everyday during that time and I was discussing baby names with him by week two, Callie was my girl name! ;)
I came to Emerald for a ten day holiday to visit Jared and never left. Six months is not a long time, I think Jared would have preferred to date for longer... Poor guy didn't stand a chance, I accidently ordered a wedding dress off Ebay before he'd even popped the question. How does one accidently order a wedding dress you might ask? Well being a novice Ebayer (it's totally a word) I bid on a cute dress... thinking that 100 other people would bid on the same dress and I possibly couldn't win it. I received an email the next day...

"Congratulations Cassie Watson on winning the bid on item #326541651651 - Ivory Wedding Dress"

Eeeekkk, so that was an awkward conversation... "Hey Jared, I accidently won a dress on Ebay.. aha"

I won't go into the details of that conversation, but we're married so it all worked out!

So September 21st 2007 I had organised for Jared to propose to me the following day, everything was set. I had bought a fake ring from Kliens, made him call my dad and ask permission. I had even organised a picnic lunch for us to go to the dam (Saturday) for him to pop the big question!
So Saturday 22nd I wake up super excited for the day ahead...

That was until Jareds younger brother and sister asked if they could come on our picnic lunch, I said no, they put on the water works. His youngest two siblings were basically our 3rd and 4th wheel, they came everywhere with us. (I moved into his family home and shared a room with his little sister, we didn't live together till we got married.)
Jared felt bad so said they could come... I was pretty disappointed. I had it all planned out! He promised me it would happen before the end of the day, so we went about our day and had our picnic with our tag alongs. I of course was on tenderhooks the rest of the day waiting for the question!
I really don't like suprises, I like to know when things are happening and obviously like to be the organiser.

The day went on, he took me out for dinner and to the movies. We were driving home and my heart was sinking, the day was nearly over and he hadn't asked me. The perfect day I had planned had been a total flop. How dare he not go along with my elaborate engagement plan!

So we're driving home and I am crying on the inside... Just before we get back to the house, Jared pulls the car over on the side of the road, reaches into the glove box and pulls out my beautiful $20 fake diamond ring. I will always remember what he said... "Are you ready for this commitment Baby?" 18 year old me, "YES! I thought you'd never ask!!"

Jared has been the best thing I never knew existed. He drives me absolutely bonkers and yet holds my heart in his hands. He has loved me and in return I have been able to grow into myself. I have loved him warts and all and he has grown into the most amazing man, father and husband. Him loving me has helped me to find out who Cassie really is, through tears, tantrums and crazy psychotic meltdowns. He knows my skeletons, my weaknesses, my strengths. He loves me through my highs and lows.

He really is my best friend and I couldn't imagine doing this life, parenting, marriage thing with anyone else.

Our wedding day Feb 2008

Even when I want to bottle him or runaway!

Me in a nut shell!

Where to begin....
I have wanted to start a blog for so long... but truthfully was a little worried no one would read it!

A little introduction about myself, I am Cassie Watene.

Mother of four, wife of one, Scentsy Consultant, youth leader and domestic goddess!

I live in Emerald, QLD a small mining town in Central Queensland. I am 27 and have nearly been here for 10 whole years!!
You are probably wondering what on earth brought me to Emerald? The hunk of spunk pictured did! I came to Emerald on a 10 day holiday and never left, 8 years of marriage and 4 children later, I am still here!

I thought a blog would be a great way to journal my adventures in motherhood and a fun way to express myself. I love reading other mum's blogs, so why not write my own?

My Hunk of Spunk - Jared

Mummy Guilt...

Mummy guilt, man there were so many emotions and feelings I never knew existed till I became a mother!
The worst feeling of all is the guilt... Crippling mummy guilt!

When I gave birth to my first child (miss Callie) I looked at her perfect little face covered in goo and gunk and thought she was the cutest little person to ever take a breath. Her perfect squashed nose, squinty little eyes (from being engaged for 4 weeks) and her head of jet black hair covered in blood and vernix. Seriously Callie was covered in the stuff!
I remember having this fantasy in my head of how she would grow up go to school, be a genius, ace all her classes and be whatever the heck it was she wanted to be. She would be confident, have great self esteem and we would be best friends! Perfect hey?!

Our little fantasy bubbles have a funny way of being popped by that ever so present thing called REALITY!

Reality is this...

Callie went off to Kindy when she was 3 (turning 4 in march) in January 2014. She didn't particularly love going to Kindy, in fact she cried most mornings for the first two terms.  FYI - this is not a great way to start your  mornings! Crying 4 year old clinging at your legs begging you to stay or let her come home with you. I passed her over to the teacher and said goodbye and went on my way. No point dragging it out. The teacher reassured me she settled quickly after I left.

Half way through the year at a parent teacher interview her teacher recommended we work with her on her colours and counting and shapes as she was a little behind with them... Mummy guilt started to set in. Not the kind you have when they're younger and you lose your cool and then think you're a terrible person because you yelled at a little child... This was a different kind, obviously I hadn't spent enough time with her working on these areas. It was obviously my fault that she was a little behind...

Fast forward to end of kindy, she was better at her shapes, colours and counting. Jared and I worked with her to help her catch up.

Prep starts in 2015, Callie cried and clung to me most of the way through Prep. I would hand her over to her teacher and go on my way. It's not fun seeing your first school age child crying every morning and having to pass her off to the teacher and walk away hearing them cry. The teacher always told me she settled quickly and she was always happy when I picked her up. Still the crying and clinging thing isn't fun!

Half way through prep I have a parent teacher interview, Callie is struggling... She is progressing, just not at a fast rate. Ok.. my fantasy bubble popped. My little girl was an average student, or so I thought? I could handle that...
We get through prep, I talked to the teacher about her repeating, but it was decided she would be too advanced socially and children generally catch up and everyone evens out in grade one.

Now having never had a child in school I actually didn't really know exactly where Callie was meant to be on the scale of things. Her teacher had given me a brief overview of where she should be and where she was but it wasn't really super clear...

Grade one starts in 2016... she settles down a little, still cries and clings some mornings but she is getting better.

Around the end of term one my youngest daughter Lucie's left eye starts to turn in. It gets more noticeable so I take her to the optometrist to get her eyes checked out... This is kind of a blessing in disguise. Turns out Lucie needs to see a specialist and she is given a prescription for full time glasses.
I decide to get Callie and my son, Frankie's eyes tested just to be safe...

Callie is long sited, not just a tiny bit, She has a +4 and +4.5 prescription. For those of you who don't know what that means, lets put it this way... I can't even see through her glasses they're that strong.

She chooses a couple of pairs of Disney themed glasses and thinks it's wonderful she gets to wear glasses, meanwhile I am crying my eyes out on the inside. Mummy guilt hit me hard! How could I have not know she needed glasses? She struggled all through Prep because I didn't realise she needed glasses! I should know! I am her mother!!

Term one ended and Callie was starting to get used to her glasses. I went in for parent teacher interview and the full reality was presented to me. Callie was behind, not just a tiny bit... She didn't even know the alphabet or the sounds, she couldn't read because she didn't know her alphabet and didn't know the sounds the letters made. She should have learnt all of this in prep.. and she would have if she could see.

My fantasy bubble was obliterated! I came home from the parent teacher interview and bawled my eyes out. If I had known she needed glasses then she wouldn't be in this position... How did we get here? She was supposed to be a genius and ace school!

Since having her glasses and now that she has fully adjusted to them Callie has come leaps and bounds, she knows the alphabet. She knows nearly all the sounds, she can sound out words and is reading! She still has a long way to go but she has progressed so much and it makes me extremely proud when I hear her sounding out words. It isn't easy, we have persevered through homework, practicing sounds,tantrums and trying to encourage her that she can do it. The amazing teacher aide in her classroom now tutors her once a week as well. Callie loves this beautiful lady and I feel so blessed she has someone so lovely and kind to work with her at school and outside of school.

The hardest part though all of this is how it has affected Callie. Kids aren't silly, they know when they're behind in the classroom. When she told me she thought she was a loser because she wasn't as smart as the other kids in her class my heart broke in two. Hearing my six year old daughter, that precious little squashed nosed, squinty eyed, vernix coated perfect baby of mine tell me that she thinks she is a loser was one of the most heartbreaking mummy moments I have experienced to date! She was supposed to be full of confidence and have amazing self esteem... She is my perfect little girl.

I cried and cried and cried. Proper ugly cried. I was a terrible mother.

I should have known she needed glasses, we would never have gone through this, she would have learnt her sounds in prep and she would be acing her school work! Right?!

The truth is, I will never know.

Now I am a fairly positive/optimistic kinda gal. Things generally don't hold me down for long. So I needed to work out what the positives to come from this experience were.

Yes Callie is still my perfect little girl, this whole ordeal has helped me to be more patient, loving and encouraging of her. I have the opportunity to help build up her self esteem and confidence and help her realise how amazing and clever she is.
Jared has worked hard with her to catch up, which is quality time spent together. She has made a special friendship with her teacher aide and the love she has for that special lady is so beautiful to see.
I have had to learn to let things go... To let go of the guilt.

I didn't know she needed glasses, her teachers from kindy and prep didn't even know. Lucie needing glasses was a blessing in disguise and had she not needed glasses then Callie would still be struggling aimlessly along. (We won't even get into the mummy guilt with Lucie's glasses haha)

It's ok to have Mummy guilt... because it means you care!

Proudly wearing her new glasses!

That little squashed nosed, squinty eyed perfect baby girl the day she was born.