Self worth of a Mother...

So I went to a Scentsy Family Reunion on the weekend, our annual conference where they celebrate achievements and give their consultants training and tips on how to better themselves and their business.

What has this got to do with self worth you might be thinking? A lot!

I have been to three of these conferences since I signed up with Scentsy in Nov 2013. Each year we have driven 12-24 hours to attend with kids in tow. This year of course we had Charlie with us, so we had four children on a 12 hour drive. I must admit the kids were pretty darn well behaved considering how long they were stuck in the car. Poor Charlie must have started to think he was never going to see me again. Everytime I got him out of his capsule he was grinning like a Cheshire cat and wouldn't feed properly as he just wanted to look at me and smile.

So back to self worth...

When I signed up with Scentsy I had a goal to make a couple hundred a month to pay for Callie's dancing fees and help out with the crazy ridiculous Kindy fees. Jared also asked that I please not send him broke. (duly noted)

So I signed up, never having seen the product or smelling anything and hoped to hell I could make a couple hundred dollars. As a lot of you know I did quite well with my little Scentsy business and went on to be top sales for Australia numerous times and earn three incentive trips. I have been working my business from home around the kids for the past nearly three years. I currently still hold the highest sales since Scentsy launched in Australia in 2013. Just shy of $200,000 worth of scented goodness sold in Emerald.

Now, I haven't worked a proper job since I was pregnant with Callie. I suffered horrible morning sickness with her and spent most days either with my head in the toilet bowl or laying on the couch crying... struggle was real! It's a wonder she has three siblings, I lived on fruit flavoured icypoles as they tasted the same going down as they did coming up! Being a mum was the only thing I wanted to do, since I can remember. I wanted to turn 18, find the love of my life and have babies.

I did pretty much that... I thought I was happy, that everything I ever wanted was right in my lap, and really why shouldn't I be happy? I had never really worked through some things from my teenage years and really didn't realise how low my self worth was. I find it interesting that a lot of the bubbly/confident people often suffer the worst from low self esteem. On the outside I would have come across every bit the positive/bubbly/confident person but it's a bit like the iceberg analogy... you can only see what sits on the surface.

So, on our trip to Scentsy reunion last year which was in Sydney. I had a lot of time, 24 hours in fact to talk with Jared and ponder on life and get all deep and meaningful. So as Jared and I were chatting it somehow came up about why I liked to receive recognition for my achievements with Scentsy and why it made me so happy? And why did we have to drive 24 hours for me to feel happy? I thought about it for a while and then started crying... this is a common occurance you are probably thinking if you have read my other posts. I realised that I needed this recognition to make me feel like I was worth something. I didn't feel like just being me, Cassie was really worth much. I felt I needed to be ahieving and being the best at something to feel worth while.

Being a stay at home mum can be draining, it's like groundhog day everyday! You don't really get any recognition or praise from anyone for being Mum, in fact quite the opposite. Kids think your cooking is gross, think you are mean if you discipline them, think you are mean if you don't let them have exactly what they want. Think you are mean when you send them to bed... basically they think you are mean and out to ruin their lives. Obviously not all the time, they can be super sweet and loving and it's definitely a rewarding job in other ways. But let's be real, you don't have someone standing behind you to pat you on the back when you are acing the mother gig.

So throughout my 3 Scentsy reunions I have learnt to accept and love myself a little more each time, it's a very uplifting weekend full of positive speakers. The most recent Scentsy reunion was probably the best one I have attended. I had a lovely time catching up and meeting new team members and just thoroughly enjoyed my weekend.
There was a defining moment for me at this reunion on our leadership training day. We had a guest speaker, she was a multi million dollar direct sales goddess. Had made her first million by the time she was 19 and retired at 37, living the dream right? So she spoke to us for around an hour and not once in that time frame did she mention anything about a husband or children. She told us the different steps we needed to put in place to make it in the direct sales company and the time we'd need to put in etc. I sat and listened, I was inspired but felt a little overwhelwed at the same time. I was wondering to myself how on earth I could have time with my children with all of this time and energy I needed to put into my business to become a millionaire?!

She left some time at the end of her presentation for questions. I raised my hand and asked if she had any children. She looked almost embarrassed, she had completely forgotten to talk about her two daughters, so gave us a brief summery of her life as a mum and wife. Of the hour she spoke to us, she only really gave her children and husband about five minutes. I followed on my question with another question, basically asking her if she scaled back her business when she had a new baby. I voiced my concern about regretting being present in my childrens lives and looking back in years to come and wishing I had spent more time on them. She did answer me, but completely missed my point and told me I should out source home duties to someone else as that was what she had done. Millionaire Cassie would love a house cleaner and someone to do my groceries... Realistic Cassie knows that is not in my budget at the moment.

I thought about my question for a while. In my quest to do well with Scentsy and to feel like I was worth something I had totally missed the beauty of what Scentsy allows me to have in my life. I may not be a millionaire, but I am present in my childrens lives, whenever they need me to be. No awards, achievements, money, incentive trips will ever replace missed time spent with my children.

My Scentsy achievements have allowed me to feel of worth and importance so that I can recognise the most important and worth while calling I have in life. Being a Mother! My reason for joining the company has completely changed, although we do need the extra money I make to pay bills and afford looking after four children. I have realised just how important my role as mother is!

I was nominated for the most prestigious award that Scentsy has on the weekend. I felt very humbled and honoured to have been nominated. Although I did not win the award, my little family was there to kiss and cuddle me and congratulate me for being nominated. In that moment when the winner was announced, Jared kissed me on the head and told me I was his shining star. I looked down at Charlie sleeping on my chest and my other three little ones cuddling around my legs and I realised, I am important, loved and worth while and I am the best mother these children will ever have or need!

That 12 hour drive with four children was worth it for me to realise the importance of my role, please don't ever think your roll as a mother is not important. <3

You and Me

You know those times when your husband dearest drives you absolutely crazy/psycho/mad! And you want to bottle them? (Plastic bottle of course) Or just run away to a paradise island where you have your own personal chef, butler and maid?!
You know what I am talking about? Yeah?! (Don't pretend you don't)
Well tonight was one those nights. So instead of giving him the silent treatment or acting like a crazy lady and ending up in a puddle of tears due to my crazy hormones that haven't fully settled down since I had Charlie. Who am I kidding, I'm just sensitive and end up either crying or blowing up which then leads to crying anyway. Instead I handed him a crying baby and turned his TV off. I did put said crying baby to sleep and he put the older two to bed so I decided I would forgive him and then why not blog about how we came to be?!

I thought about the title I wanted for my blog long and hard. I wanted something catchy and that summed up my life!

It is Jared and Me plus four and the more is what makes up the You and Me!
The good, the bad and the crazy times...
Really if your husband was absolutely perfect all the time you'd have nothing to complain about or whinge to your girlfriends about from time to time! What else would we talk about apart from our kids?! Haha

Seriously though I love Jared, like he is my world and I couldn't imagine life without him and I am not just saying that. But I wouldn't be human if he didn't annoy the absolute crap out of me at times.

It's funny how people like to tell you that you are too young to get married, that you are throwing your life away. I am sure some people thought we wouldn't last getting married young. We were kids after all, 19 years young. When I look at photo's of us dating, we, well Jared looks about 12. People always like to give you advice on marriage when you get engaged. Some of it helpful, others not so much. A bit like when you get pregnant and everyone feels the need to tell you all the gory details of labour etc... (They seem to always miss out the part about haemorrhoids - that's a whole other story)
The two things I always remember and try to apply to my marriage are:
1. Never go to sleep without making up.
2. Don't marry someone thinking you can change them, they are who they are. Love them for their strengths and weaknesses.

I met Jared when I was freshly 18. A young insecure, low self esteem 18 year old. I wasn't in a very good place in my life and he saved me. He was my knight in shining armour, rode in and scooped me up and made me feel loved, safe and semi-happy. Semi-happy doesn't sound that great, but I had a lot of work to do on myself. (whole other post)

The first time I laid eyes on him was in Brisbane where we were setting up for my brothers wedding, fun fact... My brother was marrying Jared's sister. (No we were not related) When I first saw Jared he was wearing a tight singlet top, with a ripped cap, up a ladder hanging up streamers. I just saw his arms! I got chatting to him and we hung out that night, the next day was the wedding and I followed him around like a dog chasing a bone. He played hard to get in front of his family, by the next day we were inseparable and he asked me to be his girlfriend! I was besotted.

Jared and I dated for six months,before we got engaged, or should I say before I made him propose to me! Haha. One and a half months of those six months were over the phone with me in Tasmania and him in Emerald. We spoke on the phone for hours everyday during that time and I was discussing baby names with him by week two, Callie was my girl name! ;)
I came to Emerald for a ten day holiday to visit Jared and never left. Six months is not a long time, I think Jared would have preferred to date for longer... Poor guy didn't stand a chance, I accidently ordered a wedding dress off Ebay before he'd even popped the question. How does one accidently order a wedding dress you might ask? Well being a novice Ebayer (it's totally a word) I bid on a cute dress... thinking that 100 other people would bid on the same dress and I possibly couldn't win it. I received an email the next day...

"Congratulations Cassie Watson on winning the bid on item #326541651651 - Ivory Wedding Dress"

Eeeekkk, so that was an awkward conversation... "Hey Jared, I accidently won a dress on Ebay.. aha"

I won't go into the details of that conversation, but we're married so it all worked out!

So September 21st 2007 I had organised for Jared to propose to me the following day, everything was set. I had bought a fake ring from Kliens, made him call my dad and ask permission. I had even organised a picnic lunch for us to go to the dam (Saturday) for him to pop the big question!
So Saturday 22nd I wake up super excited for the day ahead...

That was until Jareds younger brother and sister asked if they could come on our picnic lunch, I said no, they put on the water works. His youngest two siblings were basically our 3rd and 4th wheel, they came everywhere with us. (I moved into his family home and shared a room with his little sister, we didn't live together till we got married.)
Jared felt bad so said they could come... I was pretty disappointed. I had it all planned out! He promised me it would happen before the end of the day, so we went about our day and had our picnic with our tag alongs. I of course was on tenderhooks the rest of the day waiting for the question!
I really don't like suprises, I like to know when things are happening and obviously like to be the organiser.

The day went on, he took me out for dinner and to the movies. We were driving home and my heart was sinking, the day was nearly over and he hadn't asked me. The perfect day I had planned had been a total flop. How dare he not go along with my elaborate engagement plan!

So we're driving home and I am crying on the inside... Just before we get back to the house, Jared pulls the car over on the side of the road, reaches into the glove box and pulls out my beautiful $20 fake diamond ring. I will always remember what he said... "Are you ready for this commitment Baby?" 18 year old me, "YES! I thought you'd never ask!!"

Jared has been the best thing I never knew existed. He drives me absolutely bonkers and yet holds my heart in his hands. He has loved me and in return I have been able to grow into myself. I have loved him warts and all and he has grown into the most amazing man, father and husband. Him loving me has helped me to find out who Cassie really is, through tears, tantrums and crazy psychotic meltdowns. He knows my skeletons, my weaknesses, my strengths. He loves me through my highs and lows.

He really is my best friend and I couldn't imagine doing this life, parenting, marriage thing with anyone else.

Our wedding day Feb 2008

Even when I want to bottle him or runaway!

Me in a nut shell!

Where to begin....
I have wanted to start a blog for so long... but truthfully was a little worried no one would read it!

A little introduction about myself, I am Cassie Watene.

Mother of four, wife of one, Scentsy Consultant, youth leader and domestic goddess!

I live in Emerald, QLD a small mining town in Central Queensland. I am 27 and have nearly been here for 10 whole years!!
You are probably wondering what on earth brought me to Emerald? The hunk of spunk pictured did! I came to Emerald on a 10 day holiday and never left, 8 years of marriage and 4 children later, I am still here!

I thought a blog would be a great way to journal my adventures in motherhood and a fun way to express myself. I love reading other mum's blogs, so why not write my own?

My Hunk of Spunk - Jared

Mummy Guilt...

Mummy guilt, man there were so many emotions and feelings I never knew existed till I became a mother!
The worst feeling of all is the guilt... Crippling mummy guilt!

When I gave birth to my first child (miss Callie) I looked at her perfect little face covered in goo and gunk and thought she was the cutest little person to ever take a breath. Her perfect squashed nose, squinty little eyes (from being engaged for 4 weeks) and her head of jet black hair covered in blood and vernix. Seriously Callie was covered in the stuff!
I remember having this fantasy in my head of how she would grow up go to school, be a genius, ace all her classes and be whatever the heck it was she wanted to be. She would be confident, have great self esteem and we would be best friends! Perfect hey?!

Our little fantasy bubbles have a funny way of being popped by that ever so present thing called REALITY!

Reality is this...

Callie went off to Kindy when she was 3 (turning 4 in march) in January 2014. She didn't particularly love going to Kindy, in fact she cried most mornings for the first two terms.  FYI - this is not a great way to start your  mornings! Crying 4 year old clinging at your legs begging you to stay or let her come home with you. I passed her over to the teacher and said goodbye and went on my way. No point dragging it out. The teacher reassured me she settled quickly after I left.

Half way through the year at a parent teacher interview her teacher recommended we work with her on her colours and counting and shapes as she was a little behind with them... Mummy guilt started to set in. Not the kind you have when they're younger and you lose your cool and then think you're a terrible person because you yelled at a little child... This was a different kind, obviously I hadn't spent enough time with her working on these areas. It was obviously my fault that she was a little behind...

Fast forward to end of kindy, she was better at her shapes, colours and counting. Jared and I worked with her to help her catch up.

Prep starts in 2015, Callie cried and clung to me most of the way through Prep. I would hand her over to her teacher and go on my way. It's not fun seeing your first school age child crying every morning and having to pass her off to the teacher and walk away hearing them cry. The teacher always told me she settled quickly and she was always happy when I picked her up. Still the crying and clinging thing isn't fun!

Half way through prep I have a parent teacher interview, Callie is struggling... She is progressing, just not at a fast rate. Ok.. my fantasy bubble popped. My little girl was an average student, or so I thought? I could handle that...
We get through prep, I talked to the teacher about her repeating, but it was decided she would be too advanced socially and children generally catch up and everyone evens out in grade one.

Now having never had a child in school I actually didn't really know exactly where Callie was meant to be on the scale of things. Her teacher had given me a brief overview of where she should be and where she was but it wasn't really super clear...

Grade one starts in 2016... she settles down a little, still cries and clings some mornings but she is getting better.

Around the end of term one my youngest daughter Lucie's left eye starts to turn in. It gets more noticeable so I take her to the optometrist to get her eyes checked out... This is kind of a blessing in disguise. Turns out Lucie needs to see a specialist and she is given a prescription for full time glasses.
I decide to get Callie and my son, Frankie's eyes tested just to be safe...

Callie is long sited, not just a tiny bit, She has a +4 and +4.5 prescription. For those of you who don't know what that means, lets put it this way... I can't even see through her glasses they're that strong.

She chooses a couple of pairs of Disney themed glasses and thinks it's wonderful she gets to wear glasses, meanwhile I am crying my eyes out on the inside. Mummy guilt hit me hard! How could I have not know she needed glasses? She struggled all through Prep because I didn't realise she needed glasses! I should know! I am her mother!!

Term one ended and Callie was starting to get used to her glasses. I went in for parent teacher interview and the full reality was presented to me. Callie was behind, not just a tiny bit... She didn't even know the alphabet or the sounds, she couldn't read because she didn't know her alphabet and didn't know the sounds the letters made. She should have learnt all of this in prep.. and she would have if she could see.

My fantasy bubble was obliterated! I came home from the parent teacher interview and bawled my eyes out. If I had known she needed glasses then she wouldn't be in this position... How did we get here? She was supposed to be a genius and ace school!

Since having her glasses and now that she has fully adjusted to them Callie has come leaps and bounds, she knows the alphabet. She knows nearly all the sounds, she can sound out words and is reading! She still has a long way to go but she has progressed so much and it makes me extremely proud when I hear her sounding out words. It isn't easy, we have persevered through homework, practicing sounds,tantrums and trying to encourage her that she can do it. The amazing teacher aide in her classroom now tutors her once a week as well. Callie loves this beautiful lady and I feel so blessed she has someone so lovely and kind to work with her at school and outside of school.

The hardest part though all of this is how it has affected Callie. Kids aren't silly, they know when they're behind in the classroom. When she told me she thought she was a loser because she wasn't as smart as the other kids in her class my heart broke in two. Hearing my six year old daughter, that precious little squashed nosed, squinty eyed, vernix coated perfect baby of mine tell me that she thinks she is a loser was one of the most heartbreaking mummy moments I have experienced to date! She was supposed to be full of confidence and have amazing self esteem... She is my perfect little girl.

I cried and cried and cried. Proper ugly cried. I was a terrible mother.

I should have known she needed glasses, we would never have gone through this, she would have learnt her sounds in prep and she would be acing her school work! Right?!

The truth is, I will never know.

Now I am a fairly positive/optimistic kinda gal. Things generally don't hold me down for long. So I needed to work out what the positives to come from this experience were.

Yes Callie is still my perfect little girl, this whole ordeal has helped me to be more patient, loving and encouraging of her. I have the opportunity to help build up her self esteem and confidence and help her realise how amazing and clever she is.
Jared has worked hard with her to catch up, which is quality time spent together. She has made a special friendship with her teacher aide and the love she has for that special lady is so beautiful to see.
I have had to learn to let things go... To let go of the guilt.

I didn't know she needed glasses, her teachers from kindy and prep didn't even know. Lucie needing glasses was a blessing in disguise and had she not needed glasses then Callie would still be struggling aimlessly along. (We won't even get into the mummy guilt with Lucie's glasses haha)

It's ok to have Mummy guilt... because it means you care!

Proudly wearing her new glasses!

That little squashed nosed, squinty eyed perfect baby girl the day she was born.