Mummy Guilt...

Mummy guilt, man there were so many emotions and feelings I never knew existed till I became a mother!
The worst feeling of all is the guilt... Crippling mummy guilt!

When I gave birth to my first child (miss Callie) I looked at her perfect little face covered in goo and gunk and thought she was the cutest little person to ever take a breath. Her perfect squashed nose, squinty little eyes (from being engaged for 4 weeks) and her head of jet black hair covered in blood and vernix. Seriously Callie was covered in the stuff!
I remember having this fantasy in my head of how she would grow up go to school, be a genius, ace all her classes and be whatever the heck it was she wanted to be. She would be confident, have great self esteem and we would be best friends! Perfect hey?!

Our little fantasy bubbles have a funny way of being popped by that ever so present thing called REALITY!

Reality is this...

Callie went off to Kindy when she was 3 (turning 4 in march) in January 2014. She didn't particularly love going to Kindy, in fact she cried most mornings for the first two terms.  FYI - this is not a great way to start your  mornings! Crying 4 year old clinging at your legs begging you to stay or let her come home with you. I passed her over to the teacher and said goodbye and went on my way. No point dragging it out. The teacher reassured me she settled quickly after I left.

Half way through the year at a parent teacher interview her teacher recommended we work with her on her colours and counting and shapes as she was a little behind with them... Mummy guilt started to set in. Not the kind you have when they're younger and you lose your cool and then think you're a terrible person because you yelled at a little child... This was a different kind, obviously I hadn't spent enough time with her working on these areas. It was obviously my fault that she was a little behind...

Fast forward to end of kindy, she was better at her shapes, colours and counting. Jared and I worked with her to help her catch up.

Prep starts in 2015, Callie cried and clung to me most of the way through Prep. I would hand her over to her teacher and go on my way. It's not fun seeing your first school age child crying every morning and having to pass her off to the teacher and walk away hearing them cry. The teacher always told me she settled quickly and she was always happy when I picked her up. Still the crying and clinging thing isn't fun!

Half way through prep I have a parent teacher interview, Callie is struggling... She is progressing, just not at a fast rate. Ok.. my fantasy bubble popped. My little girl was an average student, or so I thought? I could handle that...
We get through prep, I talked to the teacher about her repeating, but it was decided she would be too advanced socially and children generally catch up and everyone evens out in grade one.

Now having never had a child in school I actually didn't really know exactly where Callie was meant to be on the scale of things. Her teacher had given me a brief overview of where she should be and where she was but it wasn't really super clear...

Grade one starts in 2016... she settles down a little, still cries and clings some mornings but she is getting better.

Around the end of term one my youngest daughter Lucie's left eye starts to turn in. It gets more noticeable so I take her to the optometrist to get her eyes checked out... This is kind of a blessing in disguise. Turns out Lucie needs to see a specialist and she is given a prescription for full time glasses.
I decide to get Callie and my son, Frankie's eyes tested just to be safe...

Callie is long sited, not just a tiny bit, She has a +4 and +4.5 prescription. For those of you who don't know what that means, lets put it this way... I can't even see through her glasses they're that strong.

She chooses a couple of pairs of Disney themed glasses and thinks it's wonderful she gets to wear glasses, meanwhile I am crying my eyes out on the inside. Mummy guilt hit me hard! How could I have not know she needed glasses? She struggled all through Prep because I didn't realise she needed glasses! I should know! I am her mother!!

Term one ended and Callie was starting to get used to her glasses. I went in for parent teacher interview and the full reality was presented to me. Callie was behind, not just a tiny bit... She didn't even know the alphabet or the sounds, she couldn't read because she didn't know her alphabet and didn't know the sounds the letters made. She should have learnt all of this in prep.. and she would have if she could see.

My fantasy bubble was obliterated! I came home from the parent teacher interview and bawled my eyes out. If I had known she needed glasses then she wouldn't be in this position... How did we get here? She was supposed to be a genius and ace school!

Since having her glasses and now that she has fully adjusted to them Callie has come leaps and bounds, she knows the alphabet. She knows nearly all the sounds, she can sound out words and is reading! She still has a long way to go but she has progressed so much and it makes me extremely proud when I hear her sounding out words. It isn't easy, we have persevered through homework, practicing sounds,tantrums and trying to encourage her that she can do it. The amazing teacher aide in her classroom now tutors her once a week as well. Callie loves this beautiful lady and I feel so blessed she has someone so lovely and kind to work with her at school and outside of school.

The hardest part though all of this is how it has affected Callie. Kids aren't silly, they know when they're behind in the classroom. When she told me she thought she was a loser because she wasn't as smart as the other kids in her class my heart broke in two. Hearing my six year old daughter, that precious little squashed nosed, squinty eyed, vernix coated perfect baby of mine tell me that she thinks she is a loser was one of the most heartbreaking mummy moments I have experienced to date! She was supposed to be full of confidence and have amazing self esteem... She is my perfect little girl.

I cried and cried and cried. Proper ugly cried. I was a terrible mother.

I should have known she needed glasses, we would never have gone through this, she would have learnt her sounds in prep and she would be acing her school work! Right?!

The truth is, I will never know.

Now I am a fairly positive/optimistic kinda gal. Things generally don't hold me down for long. So I needed to work out what the positives to come from this experience were.

Yes Callie is still my perfect little girl, this whole ordeal has helped me to be more patient, loving and encouraging of her. I have the opportunity to help build up her self esteem and confidence and help her realise how amazing and clever she is.
Jared has worked hard with her to catch up, which is quality time spent together. She has made a special friendship with her teacher aide and the love she has for that special lady is so beautiful to see.
I have had to learn to let things go... To let go of the guilt.

I didn't know she needed glasses, her teachers from kindy and prep didn't even know. Lucie needing glasses was a blessing in disguise and had she not needed glasses then Callie would still be struggling aimlessly along. (We won't even get into the mummy guilt with Lucie's glasses haha)

It's ok to have Mummy guilt... because it means you care!

Proudly wearing her new glasses!

That little squashed nosed, squinty eyed perfect baby girl the day she was born.